Image via Complex Original
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As a highly-acclaimed OG in the world of fashunz and digital medias (read: someone who has figured out how to make money in my pajamas), I've met a lot of talented dudes and dudettes. Real talk, absent of my usual sarcasm, I've had the pleasure or working with and learning from some incredible inspiring, hard-working and talented creatives since I left the comforting structure of college for the harsh realities of real life. Obviously, working mostly in fashion, I've met a lot of assholes who think their shoes or watch or haircut make them better than everybody else. But mostly it's been positive vibes. There is no magic formula for succeeding in a creative industry. Among the various writers, editors, photographers, designers, stylists, brand managers, etc. that I've respected, there isn't one common trait that unites them, except that they all smoke hella weed. Real talk, 98% of the $ucc$e$ful people I've worked with smoke dubious quantities of marijuana. The asshole with the haircut probably does real drugs and drinks cocktails he saw on Mad Men, but we're too old for real drugs and Mad Men hasn’t been good for, like, four years.
"But A-Lo," you question, "Being stoned doesn't really seem to gel with the get-shit-done attitude required to excel in the harsh world of digitized-creative-media-fashunz." This is true. Being a productive stoner takes work. It takes good weed habits. You know that kid you went to college with who was stoned all the time, but still got a 4.0 and was captain of the swim team and the editor of the school paper? Well, you're not him. This isn't college and you can't waste six hours Vining to Amped 3 once you've been in the real world and seen how much money you could make in that six hours. But fret not because The Pinz is here to help you find a way to be stoned most of the time AND avoid rotting away in a cubicle. Though, if you do happen to be rotting away in a cubicle, you might as well be stoned all the time. Let's run down the signature habits of the highly-effective stoner.
Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.
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3.todolist
To-Do Lists
Don't wake-n-bake. Wake and make…a to-do list *slaps knee*. This is a lesson I learned the hard way, which consisted of having a shit ton to do, smoking too early and spending all day watching Samurai Pizza Cats on YouTube. You gotta make a to-do list before smoking. Tape the list to your desk, or magnet that shit to your fridge, or take a picture of it on your phone. Make a physical list, not one you can delete or hide on your computer desktop. Then smoke because breakfast will better if you're blitzed. Plus, if you get some work done by the time The Price Is Right is on, you can watch The Price Is Right. You've earned a break and you'll finally realize how funny Drew Carey is.
4.getdressed
Get Dressed
Smoking in the morning makes it seem much more reasonable to leave the house in a poncho and cutoff sweats. I get it, you're working, grinding, being productive and you need to hit the motherfucking bento for some teriyaki and a can of Hawaiian Sun. But don't. You may have smoked away the pretense and societal pressure that requires you to conform and put on the uniform of oppression whenever you leave your house and that's cool, man, but we still live in the world and have to see you. Stoner wear is a slippery slope. Ponchos in public quickly devolve into robes in public and then it's pretty much over for you before it even started.
5.workstoned
Don't Go To Work Stoned
If you're unlucky enough to actually have to go somewhere for a work type situation, don't get stoned first. Sure, you have to do this a few times to realize that it's a bad idea. After a few meetings hoping your co-workers think you're inability to formulate coherent thoughts is just you being contemplative and "a good listener," you'll get the hint and refrain from smoking…until the second you get home and unbutton your pants (at 2pm). Obviously, given our notion that cool bros in cool industries smoke a ton, you might show up to a meeting and there might be joints being sparked, and, of course, then you should consume the free herbage, but don't show up already high. That's just straight up selfish, man.
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Don't Smoke If There Might Be A Urgent Email Headed Your Way
I usually hold off smoking until I'm 74% sure I'm not going to get an urgent email from one of my various bosses. There's nothing worse than sparking at the presumably safe hour of 4pm only to receive a request from the man a few minutes later needing some project done before 5. I know we're talking about being productive while stoned, and I'm not saying you can't perform while high. The killer is the paranoia afterward. Fuck, did I have a typo in that copy? Did I sound like an asshole in that email? Did I remember to attach the document before dipping out of the house and turning off my phone? Weed is all about pozitive vibez and creeping doubt is mortal their enemy.
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Exercise
Exercise should be fun. Hooping, skating, smanging, moshing, these are all acceptable forms of cardio. Running or going to the gym is for squares and white people, so naturally, sometimes you have to concede and partake for the good of your arteries. Luckily, weed makes everything fun. Smoke and run through the woods, or around your hood. You'll notice flowers you'd never seen before, fragrant herb gardens and friendly neighborhood kitties who will trot along with you encouragingly. "But, what about your smoke-filled lungs?" Dawgie, NBA players smoke weed non-stop and they run for a living. You can handle it. Smoke enough that your brain is occupied for 30 minutes by contemplating what the fuck was even happening in The Fountain and before you've even figured it out, you'll be back at your front door, having earned all the ridiculous snacks you're sure to consume later.
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Related: Eat Fruits And Vegetables
You know how people can commit to being vegetarians? They're stoned. Have you ever tasted a fresh cucumber while high? It's a game changer. What about a fresh tangelo? Bro, how's your citrus game? Who knew this worthless dirt clod of a planet could produce such wonderful flavors. Eating vegetables and fruits leads to more energy, which in turn leads to more productivity. I'm not even adopting a sarcastic tone here. This is just solid fucking life advice.
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Double-Related: Cook
There's no better time to try something new on the gas range than while stoned because no matter the result you will eat the shit. "What if it's gross though?" Dude, remember the time we were baked and made that Stoffer's lasagna, but couldn’t wait the full 50 minutes for it to cook, so we ate it even though it was still half frozen? What could be worse than that? Point proven.
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Politely Encourage Your Non-Productive Stoner Friends To Leave
Smoking with other people is more fun than smoking alone, but having your unemployed friend torpedo your afternoon work sesh by guilting you into playing "just one more game" of NBA2k is the easiest way to not get anything done. Being better than other people requires discipline.
11.dontsmokeallthetime
Don't Smoke Weed All The Time
You can only realize the virtues of the master spirit herb if you take occasional breaks to live in the real, boring world of bland food and music that's not "fucking incredible." When you run out of weed, take a break, however long that is for you, before re-upping.
"But A-lo, weed isn't addictive!" Sure, weed isn’t addictive. Some people just have to smoke all day every day in order to deal with their lives. That's totally not the same thing. (Though, taking breaks can backfire when, say, you run out of weed early in the week then remember you pitched a piece about weed and need to write some jokes for it *cut to me fingering the keef out of my weed jar like it's precious gold dust*.)
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Bongs Are For High-Schoolers
You're a sophisticated adult. Don't derail your entire day by taking a massive bong rip and spending the rest of the day texting your friends about how the NSA is outside your house in an unmarked van because they know you downloaded every episode of Game of Thrones. Fuck though, the |\|$@ can read your texts, so you're fucked anyway. No fun. As black people have known since the dawn of time, blunts and other penis-shaped methods of smoking are much more adult than keeping a stinking glass bowl of dirty water in your cupboard, just waiting to get knocked over and never cleaned up.
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Don't Talk About Smoking Weed All The Time
Unless you're getting paid to write self-help weed blog posts, talking publicly about your affinity for herbage is a middle school move. Everyone knows weed is great. You don't need to 'Gram that purp. You don't need a weed/camo print bucket hat. Believe me, that shirt with a cat hugging a giant nug seems like a good idea now, but that's $30 gone that you could have put towards more weed.
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Never Pay Full Price
Cool stoners are never seen buying weed. They get the hookup from a friend that grows or who is a distributor or is one of those classy kind of weed dealers who don't even smoke. Whatever the going rate is in your city, it's too much. Success requires a keen sense for budgeting, and spending hundreds of dollars on something you literally burn isn't the soundest investment strategy.
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Don't Sell, Grow Or Otherwise Work In The Marijuana Industry
It's temping when you love weed to get in the business of weed. But remaining productive with pounds of ganja in your apartment is a struggle. If there are mason jars full of nugs on your counter you WILL smoke them. Hang out with the guy who grows it/sells it/is investing in a 30,000-sq-foot grow op in rural Washington, but don't get sucked into becoming his marketing manager. Just trust me on this one. Even in the legal states, some asshole from the DEA can rappel down through your ceiling and fuck your whole life up.
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Don't Get Too Baked For Easter Dinner
The sacred holiday of 4/20 happens to fall on Easter Sunday this year. The combination of family, little kids looking for eggs and the copious availability of chocolate is a dangerous mix for stoned citizens. Obviously, a holiday which is somehow both about a dude rising from the grave and bunnies laying eggs is nuts anyway, so you should probably smoke before heading to grandma's house for dinner (which is, awesomely, at, like, 1pm on Easter.) But don't indulge in the ganj too hard. An existential debate about whether or not Jesus really came back to life is a surefire way to kill the family-friendly vibe, as is dominating a gang of 6-year-olds in a backyard egg hunt. Get casually vibed, enjoy some ham and 87 robin's eggs, then watch the Blazers play their first playoff game since 2011.