Image via Complex Original
1.
Sometimes websites make up these "What Your ____ Says About You" lists just so you will click on it for views. And by "sometimes," I mean every time. Now you have already made up your mind on whether or not you even think this will piece will be funny or helpful just from the headline. Admit it. You ain't trying to say you learned some life changing shit from a slideshow on Da Pins.
The following 10 poses/types of Instagrams are all common. You probably do a few of them yourself. I even probably do a few of them, but that does not mean that they aren't totally fucking stupid. When you put these shots in a vacuum and look at them on there own, you start to see how we are all basically playing ourselves online everyday. Some more than others, but I'm pretty confident that all of us fall short with one or two of these. Everyone is a target when it comes to this Instagram shit. Click through with me, you know I got it.
Skip Class is a writer living in Seattle. See more of his work here and follow him on Twitter here.
2.instagramposelead
3.coronafeet
The Corona Commercial AKA Your Feet On Vacation
Two feet up and a fucking sunset. This shit is like the DJ Khaled voice of Instagram poses. It's really the only one I find genuinely annoying. The smugness on this pre-planned posture is off the charts. It is as if both of your feet are middle fingers and you're flipping off your entire feed just cause you are close to a body of salt water and a sunset. Also, there is nothing #bawse about exposed upper thigh photos dawgie. If you do feel compelled to bust out the Corona Commercial at least keep your thighs out of it and stick to just your feet: the grossest body part of all time.
4.homie
#TheHomie
If a dude is standing next to a dude and pointing at them, Instagram logic tells us the person whom is being pointed at is #thehomie. Typically #thehomie is someone who is well known (read: possesses more followers than yourself). Even more typical is the that your "closeness" or "relation" to #thehomie tends to be SLIGHTLY exaggerated. Like, if #thehomie is Kendrick Lamar for example, you most likely work in marketing and had an event that Kendrick had to make an appearance at. Since you managed to get a picture with K.Dot you are now going to announce this 4-minute-old "friendship" via IG with the caption "Just me and #thehomie."
5.coastisclear_inontepe
The Coast Is Clear Selfie
This is a highly specific pose that isn't so much of a pose, but a vibe. It's that photo where you can tell the person had to look around to make sure no one was watching them take such a daring selfie. They look both frightened and calm at the same damn time. This also falls into the "photo shoot for one" category which means that all credits for styling, wardrobe, hair, and photography go to you and you alone, dawgie.
6.haircut
That New Haircut No One Gives A Shit About
Do you care when McDonald's get's a new Mc item on its menu? No. Yeah, most people don't. Same with your hairdo, Derrick. Nobody gives 3.75 shits how you side parted your follicles. Fall all the way to the back section with your pomade ass. Females use haircuts like currency. The shit is mad real to them. They are exempt. Having good hair is not a real topic for dudes. You don't really need to drop that "new new" cut into the feed. And double negative if you're trying to plug your barber with his neck tattoos and artisinal shoe shine barbershop/apothecary.
7.bathroom
Taking A Shit Pic
Pretty sure this is the coked out prom king of all selfiedom right here for males. You ain't gonna top snapping your visage in a bathroom vanity mirror, my pal. This is you, drunk on you. You think you're on some Adonis flow, but you really just on some Madonna flow. You have explicitly chosen to display that you got negative zero compassion for those that follow you. You are choosing to take a picture where you also do your daily defecation routines. If that doesn't sober you up enough just show that same picture to your mother. Your mom's first reaction will for sure be' "Why are you in the bathroom?" followed by "Do you not use shower cleaner?" This sort of fuckery should be reserved solely for Marines or members of the US Coast Guard because there are the only mirrors they got.
8.prisonpose
Prison Pose/Rap Squats
If you haven't gotten the memo, the entire population of male/females 18-35 on Instagram has been incarcerated. At least that is what this pose would have us all believe. Mind you, I am 4000% bias to this one so Imma just say that this family of poses is like french fries. Most french fries are decent, but it's the good ones you remember. Also, to any trolls that ain't believe me, go check my IG account and you'll see your boy at 5 years of age in a very exquisite beach squat with the purple Quicksilver shirt x acid wash combinations. Just in case you jokers wanted to pull cards.
9.badoutfitoftheday
Bummed Outfit Of The Day #BOOTD
This site discusses menswear. Clearly. So there are definitely some constituents that DO want to see what kind of mercantile combinations other dudes are coming up with.
Spoiler Alert: I am not one of them.
Not once has my mind been riddled with painful curiosity regarding what laundry list of brands a dude plans to sport that day. Special double shouts to any persons that list items that are not visible like socks, underwear or cologne. You are the most on one ever and deserve 14 emoji trophies.
10.weed(mrblow_loud365)
Kush Had Me Posting Like
Weed isn't legal in all states, but seeing how you can go into any mall in American and have your mom purchase weed print socks without getting drug tested is for sure a sign that the times have changed. So why is it you think that turning you feed into a gallery of you blowing trees by your lonesome is still cool? By using that logic it theoretically means hemp necklaces with glass mushroom beads are still tight. Puff all the trees you want, player, just don't expect anyone over the age 13 to think you're cooler than a pair of glittery Toms. Jah feel me?
11.juniorfitness(gym)
#GymFlow
Delete any and all pictures of yourself in a gym at all ever. There are no exceptions.
Dawg, I don't even wanna see a picture of a water bottle. Why do you think they have mirrors in the gym? They are there so you can visually congratulate yourself the entire time you're up in that btich. Stare at yourself all you want. No one will judge you. Everyone is doing the same thing. Just don't think that your fucking attendance necessitates photographic documentation. If you tell your boy you went to the gym he's not gonna say, "Fuck that, pics or it didn't happen."
12.whatsonyourfeet
Wut's Good Wit Dem Feets Tho?
Ever wonder what's on every dudes feet? Well then, you my friend, are in fucking luck. Scientists have confirmed POV sneaker posts will surpass brunch shots by the year 2017.
Is this wrong? Listen, I don't know. I personally don't partake, but there must be something written into the male chromosome that makes us want to show off something that usually doesn't cost more than $90 to all our friends. It's one of the most absurd things we do as a gender. You could argue that taking pictures looking down at your feet is far better than a shirtless selfie, so I guess we all need to just be thankful for that shit at the very least. However, if you do both the shoes and shirtless selfie *cough* Colin Kaepernick *cough* then just know that you are a fucking traitor and coward and will be treated as such.