June 7 may forever be remembered as The Day of the $10 Million Balls thanks to Nick Cannon, who's made no qualms about the impact of his so-called "super sperm" in the past.
As painstakingly detailed in press notes, Cannon is said to have recently put Dr. Squatch’s so-called "Ball Valuation Tool" to use on his own testicles, resulting in a valuation of $10 million. The American men’s personal care brand then took that figure to the folks at MMA/Momentous to land an insurance policy. At least, that’s what the press release is telling us.
Of course, this is all a (quite successful, and undeniably so) ploy to secure coverage for Dr. Squatch’s lineup of ball-based betterment boosters. In a brand-aligned statement, Cannon tucked in a dismissal to all the "haters" who have dedicated time out of their day-to-day lives to police his tendency toward prolific procreation.
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"Haters say it’s time for me to stop having kids and put this super sperm to rest, but I’m doubling down on these valuable balls and my future kids," Cannon, a frequent headlines presence here at Complex, said. "Shout out to Dr. Squatch for giving my balls the credit they deserve and hooking me up with the protection I need to keep this family tree rolling! Don’t go another day without protecting and caring for your most valuable assets with Ball-to-Ball Coverage through Dr. Squatch’s new Ball Care products."
Generously, everyday people are also being given access to a multitude ways of improving the overall experience of being saddled with testicles. Included in Dr. Squatch’s line of ball care products are the Groin Guardian Electric Trimmer, the Ball Barrier Dry Lotion, and the versatile (not to mention biodegradable) Beast Wipes.
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To be clear, Cannon, at least as of January of this year, has no firm plans for baby No. 13. Speaking with People, the 43-year-old made it clear he was "chilling right now," though he didn’t explicitly rule out future tweaks to such plans.
While there have been multiple promising updates on the birth control front, especially in terms of men-focused alternatives, Cannon previously made clear that he believes his "super sperm" is simply too powerful to be stopped.
