20 Ways to Embarrass Your Family on Social Media
Add some shame to your game.
Image via Complex Original
It used to be a challenge to bring shame upon your family. You had to do something crazy like marry outside of your social class or come up a few sheep short on a dowry. These days, you are always just a click away from embarrassing those you love. We are reminded almost daily that anything we post on social media can be used against us. People lose careers, friends, and spouses over social media mishaps. This doesn’t stop us from posting things on Facebook that make our family blush. Just in case you aren’t exactly sure what sort of things will dishonor your kin folk, we’ve gathered the 20 Ways to Embarrass Your Family On Social Media. After all, isn't it time you embarrassed them for a change?
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Post Photos From the Past
Throwback Thursday has created an amazing opportunity for you to embarrass your family members. Next time you are back at the parental homestead, take the opportunity to pull out some old family photos and upload them for the whole world to see. Even the best looking adults have some braces, pimples, or ugly sweaters hiding somewhere deep in their past. If you were lucky enough to have parents who forced you to take themed family photos, you should have a plethora of amazing pictures to choose from. If you are also in the picture sporting a mullet and a fanny pack, make the sacrifice. You might be a little embarrassed yourself, but can you put a price on mortifying a family member?
Lose Track of What Apps Auto Post
In a cruel twist of fate, some of the things we're most ashamed of watching online make their way into our feeds. Next time you click on a video with a title like "Can You Believe She's Wearing So Little?" or "Naughty School Girl Twerk!" take a look at your profile. Don't be surprised if the whole Internet now knows that "Brenden Gallagher Watched 'Asian Spank-a-thon' on Viddy." If you are going to view rotten content on the Internet, don't do it on Facebook or Twitter. Why leave a trail detailing your nasty habits when it's so easy to open another tab and search for all of the worst things your dirty little heart desires?
Constantly Change Your Relationship Status
Nothing projects instability like a perpetually shifting relationship status. Really, you might just want to consider pretending that the "It's Complicated" option doesn't even exist. Think long and hard before you and your significant other decide to make your relationship Facebook official. Every time you change that relationship back to "single," your mother's hopes get dashed yet again. Do all you can to avoid changing that status to "In An Open Relationship," as no mother deserves to have that image in her head.
Make a Facebook Page For Your Pet
Everyone is lonely, but it is never a good idea to let the Internet know just how lonely you are. The best way to tell the World Wide Web that you're lonesome is to create a Facebook page for a four-legged friend. Before you set up this profile, imagine your mother opening up Facebook to see a friend request. "Oh, I wonder who that's from?" she'll wonder aloud. She then clicks the button to see that her grown child has created a page for a creature that can't talk, while she still lives with the possibility that she may die without any grandchildren. Bet she can't wait to read those witty updates, complete with puppy puns!
Make Pathetic Spotify Playlists
Your family was there to support you when you changed your relationship status to "single." Don't subject them to an endless stream of pathetic Spotify playlists. It's bad enough if you have a playlist with a name like "Jams for the Broken-Hearted." For the love of all that is digital, please don't create a playlist for each phase of your mourning period. If you have a "Free At Last" playlist followed by a "Missing Her" playlist followed by a "Your Really Are Better Off, Trust Me" playlist, your family and friends have every right to be mortified.
Run a Stupid Twitter Parody Account
"Oh, your son's a comedy writer? What sort of work does he do?" There are a variety of unflattering answers to these questions [Author's Note: Comment trolls, spare me the jokes about Internet lists being among them], but "he runs a few Twitter parody accounts" is probably the bottom of the barrel. Unless you possess the abstract brilliance of @Horse_ebooks, avoid letting the world know that you spend your time and energy on such things. The world needs another Ron Burgundy parody account like it needs another Ted Cruz. Wait, that gives us an idea for a Ron Burgundy/Ted Cruz parody account. Be right back.
Selfie Indulgence
You're so vain, you think this post is about you, don't you? You have a right to be proud of the abs you've cultivated at the gym. Maybe that new haircut is pretty flattering. That doesn't mean that you have to post pictures of yourself on the Internet after every meal. If you are posting more selfies than Justin Bieber, you might want to take a step back and think about how this looks to the wider world. Every time you raise that phone to eye level, remember that taking a selfie is like looking in the mirror and forcing the rest of the world to look at you too. Though your mother surely has a number of pictures of you hanging in her home, she doesn't need to see you taking pictures of yourself.
"Like" a Lame Page
Facebook loves to let the world know exactly what you are "liking." Some of your interests are best left as a dirty little secret between you and the dark recesses of the Internet. Do you really want your father to have to explain to the neighbors what "cosplay" is? Do you need your grandmother to know that you are deeply interested in "Big Booty Bitches?" Just because something interests you doesn't mean you have to let the Internet know all about it.
Post about Getting Wasted Post-College
Your extended family is prepared to make excuses for you while you're in college. Your father will smile gamely and say, "He's just having a good time." Your mother might say something like, "Well, as long as he keeps up with his studies, it isn't any of my business." When you're out in the working world, you might want to refrain from photojournalistic takes on your weekend benders. It's okay that you didn't end up a doctor or a lawyer: it's not like your 'rents ever expected that anyway. But, spare them the indignity of scrolling through their feed to peep their 30-year-old son doing body shots off of an underage co-ed. If you're out in the working world, it's time to do what everyone else does: cultivate a secret drinking problem.
Try to Look Harder Than You Are
You didn't choose the thug life ... and it is abundantly obvious because you are an entitled suburbanite. We all exaggerate aspects of ourselves in one way or another. That's why we love the Internet: we can all be the person we wish we were. If you are going to lie, at least lie like most people do and simply portray yourself as happier and more successful than you really are. If you try to front like you have street cred, even your convicted felon uncle is going to feel shame.
Pick Political Fights
We aren't going to be those people who tell you not to post about politics on social media. Political dialogue is at the heart of a democracy. Before you spout off left or right wing rhetoric as the case may be, think about who sees your feed. Do you really want your Southern Baptist family to have to explain your radical musings to the folks back home? We aren't against sharing articles or expressing your opinions, but if you see yourself turning into a serial political antagonist, pump the brakes. There is very little difference from the political blowhard who ruins a dinner party and the guy who posts political memes beneath every other Facebook status.
Point Out How Attractive They Are
Everyone likes to be told they're beautiful, just not by their family. Whether a mother is encouraging her son by insisting that he looks handsome in his marching band uniform or a drunk collegiate "likes" his cousin's bikini pics, this is never a good look. What would seem like a sweet ego boost in person can easily come off as Appalachian level creepy on the Internet. Don't worry, if your niece really does look sexy in her prom dress, there will be dozens of slobbering, acne ridden adolescents lining up to tell her.
Share Your Dumb Blog With Everyone
Sooner or later, everyone starts a blog. In fact, we're going to go ahead and add 'blogging to death' and taxes in the category of "sure things in life." Before you share your wacky Tumblr or your witty complain-about-your-job blog with the world, take a moment to think about how it will affect your family. When that snotty neighbor stops your mother in the super market to brag about her astronaut/diplomat son, Mom won't even be able to lie about what you've achieved. "Oh, my son's doing great. He has a job he hates so much that he has started a snarky blog about it rather than attempt to better his station in life" doesn't exactly make for great bragging material. In case you were wondering, "My son curates a blog of erotic Harry Potter fan fiction" isn't the best look either.
Make Dirty Jokes Constantly
It isn't always a good idea to talk like you're at the bar on Facebook. Remember, teachers, pastors, and your family will see those dirty jokes. Look, we're not prudes, but how hard is it to resist making a dick joke every time someone uses the word "hard" in a Facebook status? Yes, we find it incredibly hard to resist the relentless urge to making everything sexual. But, we fight those urges until we are about to explode. We fight those urges no matter how much pleasure they might give us ... What were we talking about?
Threaten a Family Member's Admirers
The thirst is strong on Facebook. If you can't accept that, it might be time for you to disable your Wi-Fi. Though men often cross the line when it comes to admiring profile pics of the ladies, the women in your family will likely be mortified if you step in and tell off an aggressive online suitor on their behalf. At some point, your sister, niece, or daughter is going to grow up. If your mother is single, she may attract online admirers. Deal with it silently, rather than making yourself look like a macho goon by trying to keep people from paying compliments to the women in your family.
Put Your Business in the Street
Ugly break-ups, steamy hook-ups, sexual mishaps: we love when Facebook becomes a TMZ personally tailored for us. We can't imagine that the families of quarelling lovers are too thrilled, though. It's embarrassing enough for mothers and fathers to hear about the exploits of their children second-hand at the super market. If they can open Facebook and read it straight from the horse's mouth, it must be mortifying. We've conditioned ourselves to take to Facebook to vent our anger and share our victories. If that victory involves having your first threesome or that defeat involves catching your spouse having a threesome without you, it is okay to keep it to yourself.
Go Viral
Don't get us wrong, if we were Psy's parents, we would be extremely proud. If you go viral, however, odds are that it will involve mortifying embarrassment rather than crisply orchestrated parody. Whether you are lip syncing, twerk failing, or drunkenly falling down, your parents have to deal with waves of embarrassment after you go viral. First, the teenagers on the block will say, "Hey Mrs. Johnson, I saw Billy on Tosh.0." Then, several months later, the parents of those teenagers will say, "Hey Mrs. Johnson, I saw Billy on The Today Show." Save your family months of shame and don't upload that video to Youtube. If someone else already uploaded the video, just hope that Miley Cyrus does something interesting to take the heat off of your BuzzFeed worthy moment.
Tell Younger Siblings How "Cute" They're Being
Just as you documented your first social moves on MySpace, so will your younger siblings take to Facebook to work through their adolescence. The last thing your younger brother or sister needs is you cramping their style. You might think it is incredibly cute that they finally got a steady girlfriend or participated in their first orgy, but to them this is all just a part of life. If you must intrude upon the digital lives of your siblings, at least do it without treating them like they are playing house. Remember, you were sixteen once too, and all you wanted—besides sex and a cool mom who permitted underage drinking—was to be treated like an adult.
Let Them Know You See Them
The greatest way to embarrass your family members might be to let them know that you see their embarrassing posts. If your brother posts an Instagram he instantly regrets or your mother joins some stupid group, simply "like" their activity. Even if your sister deletes the photo her sorority sisters posted of her passed out in a shopping cart with Sharpie penises all over her face, she'll know that you saw it and will bring it up at Thanksgiving Dinner for the rest of eternity. What's family for after all, if not calling each other out on their shit?
Confess to a Crime
Okay, so this one goes a tad beyond embarrassment and into the realm of full on shame. If you really want to mortify your extended family, confess to a crime via social media. Whether you are tweeting your treason, Instagramming your arson, or Facebooking your fraud, your family will likely never live it down. When your family visits you in prison, you can all have a great laugh about how devastated they were when they found out about your crimes. Look, you'll probably get caught anyway, so you might as well hit the clink on your own terms.