Roy Moore, the lizard-faced Republican excrement currently smearing his grime all over the Alabama Senate race, has been accused of child molestation. In a Washington Post investigative piece earlier this month, multiple women came forward with stories of being pursued by Moore when they were in their teens; one of them was just 14 at the time.
Somehow, this (in addition to the fact that Moore was twice ousted from his Supreme Court position and literally wields weapons during rallies) hasn't resulted in an open-and-shut victory for Democratic Senate candidate Doug Jones. For the record, Jones has been accused of exactly zero incidents of child molestation.
Given the ridiculousness of it all, the Alabama race has become a national talking point among politicians and comedians alike. Thursday, for example, Moore and Jimmy Kimmel exchanged words on Twitter, while noted Jimmy Kimmel Live! comedian Tony Barbieri showed up at a Moore rally in character as Jake Byrd:
Thursday night, Kimmel dedicated a nice chunk of his show to elaborating further on Moore's disgusting "Christian values" shield. Kimmel also reiterated his acceptance of Moore's invitation, adding in a few caveats. "Moore was reportedly so creepy around young girls, he was banned from the mall in Gadsden, Alabama," Kimmel said. "Imagine being banned from the mall. No hot dog on a stick for you."
The bottom line, Kimmel continued, is that he wholeheartedly accepts Moore's peculiar invitation. "What I'm gonna do is, and I think you're actually gonna like this, I'm gonna come down to Gadsden, Alabama with a team of high school cheerleaders," he said. "We'll meet you at the mall. Don't worry, I can get you in. If, when the girls and I show up, if you can control yourself and behave, if you can somehow manage to keep Little Roy in your little cowboy pants when those nubile young cheerleaders come bounding in, you and I will sit down at the food court, we'll have a little Panda Express, and we'll talk about Christian values."
After explaining his own relationship with Christianity, which involves reasonably considering child molestation a sin, Kimmel then noted how Moore's invitation sounds less like a debate proposal and more like a straight-up threat. "Maybe that means you're challenging me to a fight, which is kind of what it sounds like, and if you are, I accept by the way," he said. "There is no one I would love to fight more than you. I will put my Christian values aside just for you and for that fight. So if you are challenging me to a fight, here's what we'll do. Let's find a place to do it. I'll wear a Girl Scouts uniform so you can have something to get excited about. Whoever wins the fight will give all the money we charge for the tickets to charity. My charity will be the women who came forward to say you molested them. Alright, tough guy with your little pistol?"
Fightin' Kimmel isn't new: in September, when Fox News’ Brian Kilmead said Kimmel’s commentary on Washington’s health care battle was just another Hollywood elite “pushing their politics on the rest of the country,” Kimmel seethed: “I don’t get anything out of this, Brian, you phony little creep. Oh, I’ll pound you when I see you.”
I moved away from Alabama years ago, but for the sake of my family and for the sake of basic decency, please don’t elect an alleged child molester. Is that so much to ask? We already have an alleged sexual predator in the goddamn Oval Office, for Christ's sake.
