How You Smoke Weed and What It Says About You
It's just a fact: Certain types of people smoke certain types of ways.
Image via Complex Original
We all have a type (except Rae Sremmurd, obviously), which is to say, we all are a type. Everything you do is informed by what kind of person you are. Why did Harry Potter beg the sorting hat to put him in Gryffindor instead of Slytherin? Because he was noble and well-meaning. Why did I just reference Harry Potter to prove a point? Because I'm an obsessive idiot. See—we're all a type.
And we're all constantly reaffirming our personalities in the choices we make, even in expressing the things we like. That's why smoking marijuana is such a beautiful thing. Weed, unlike many other drugs of choice, is malleable, to the point of being a form of expression. It doesn't demand to be snorted or intravenously administered. It can be smoked (in a variety of ways), eaten, vaporized, even drank. Weed embraces you with open arms and says, "Do with me what you will."
What it really comes down to, then, is what you wanna do. And what you wanna do depends on what kind of person you are. So, believe it or not, every time you hit the loud, you're showing your soul, your deepest desires and feelings.
Just so you're aware of the vast implications, here's what how you smoke (or, more accurately, ingest) weed says about you.
Andrew Gruttadaro is New Editor at Complex. Follow him on Twitter at @andrewgrutt.
The Bong
Likes: Head rushes, Phish, Broad City, MARIJUANA
Dislikes: Having motor skills, jobs
What else it says about you: You're one of those people who really go for it…when it comes to getting high. It's all about getting 100% of the experience for you, so in that sense you're the perfectionist of the weed-smoking community. It's also a safe bet to say you have a lot of storage space available. Way to go, you.
The Bowl
Likes: Finance, Christopher Nolan movies, Starbucks
Dislikes: Imagination, ambition
What else it says about you: You're basic, bruh. It might be time to move on from that piece you bought on St. Mark's. (Don't lie, I know that's where you got it.)
The Joint
Likes: Seth Rogen, Amsterdam, college, that Jimi Hendrix poster
Dislikes: Parents who just don't understand, trying new things
What else it says about you: Your cousin's older friend taught you how to roll a joint way back when you were 15—why would you ever need anything else? EVERYTHING IS FINE THE WAY IT IS.
The Apple
Likes: High school, craftsman houses, lacrosse, Bon Iver
Dislikes: Spending money, processed foods
What else it says about you: If you find yourself smoking out of an apple consistently, congratulations on being your own person. You're also a big fat show-off. WATCH ME MAKE A BOWL OUT OF THIS APPLE, GUYS. How dare anyone tell you that there are tools specifically made for smoking weed, and that most people actually eat apples instead of carving holes into them? Mother Nature gave us grass, and she also gave us the only thing we need for smoking it. #HitsApple
The Blunt
Likes: The Wire's HD marathon, Rick Ross, the guys at your local 7/11, persistence, relevant Twitter movements
Dislikes: Cleaning, Classic Lays chips, Macklemore
What else it says about you: Stay rolling, OG. It's all about flavor and swagger. Who cares if smoking is a five- to eight-step process for you? Who cares if you have to spill Dutch tobacco all over your coffee table every day? Not you, that's for sure.
The Gravity Bong
Likes: MacGyver, toxic fumes, soda, the color of milk, MacGruber
Dislikes: Bongs you have to pay for, daylight
What else it says about you: Remember in first grade science class when the teacher filled a paper-mache volcano with baking soda and then poured vinegar in it and the whole thing bubbled over? You were the kid who loved that shit.
The Vape Pen
Likes: Practicality, Sarah Silverman, Los Angeles, product evolution
Dislikes: Staying sober, Republicans
What else it says about you: Honestly, no group in the weed world looks better than vape pen users. You're on the cutting edge of product technology, you're practical, you're considerate, and you're covert. If you weren't smoking so much weed, I'd say you really have your shit together.
The Gas Mask
Likes: Knocked Up, Spencer Gifts
Dislikes: People, rationality
What else it says about you: You're an impulse shopper. You also probably own a Magic Bullet. And you don't use it.
Edibles
Likes: Warm and fuzzy feelings, the Barefoot Contessa, eating other drugs
Dislikes: Diets, making plans in advance
What else it says about you: You're probably the most likable guy (or girl) there is. You like baking, because it's something that requires real care; people with an affinity towards baking are usually pretty nice, amiable characters. You're also very into extended periods of happiness. You're like a weed-loving Julia Child!
The One-Hitter
Likes: Pretending to be sneaky, frisbees, very short walks in the park
Dislikes: Social functions, convenience
What else it says about you: That your judgment is off. Come on, do you think people actually think you're smoking a Camel? And how worth it was that one miniscule hit of green you just took in Central Park? You know there's a better way to do this, right? Are you reading this list like, "Whaaaat!?!? A smoking device that doesn't require frequent reloading!?" But keep doing you—I know you've got Dirty Projectors concerts to go to, and that just smoking at your apartment beforehand is out of the question.
The Volcano Vaporizer
Likes: The Singularity Theory, everlasting highs, the Star Wars vs. Star Trek debate, The War on Drugs
Dislikes: Subtlety, the war on drugs
What else it says about you: Fuck being on some chill shit (although inhaling a plastic bag full of THC will chill you out pretty nicely)—the future is now, and you're going to smoke it because you're a pioneer. Just give the bag, like, a minute or two to fill up.
Hookah
Likes: New York City's East Village, area rugs, mundane occurrences, Half Baked
Dislikes: Resin, traveling light, Nickelback detractors, buttoning shirts all the way
What else it says about you: That you and I can't be friends.