Freak, Marry, Kill: Disney Princess Edition
A princess in the streets and a freak between the sheets?
Image via Complex Original
Of all of the gifts that the Internet has bestowed upon us, one of the greatest is the endless stream of Disney Princess reimagining. A little Googling can reward you with images of Mickey Mouse Royalty as warriors, hipsters, and even with families. All of this cartoon re-mixing got us thinking: which of these Princesses are wifey material?
Yes, we’ve crunched the numbers, carefully weighed all of the facts and arrived at our totally subjective determination of which Disney Princesses are deserving of “freaking,” marrying, and (much to the pleasure of their corresponding Disney villains) killing. It was difficult to make these decisions, as these princesses are, in many cases, simultaneously very attractive, excellent relationship material, and rather annoying. These are the decisions that have to be made, people, because if we don’t take every possible angle on the Disney Princesses, then the terrorists win. Be our guests as we enter a whole new world with Freak, Marry, Kill: Disney Princess Edition.
Snow White, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Verdict: Freak
Snow White is dope and all, but a relationship with her sounds like more trouble than it's worth. Oh, you live with seven other guys? Your family is trying to poison you? Some dude wants to cut out your heart and put it in a box? We are all about helping our girl work through problems, but trouble seems to follow Snow White wherever she goes. Also, even the most confident man might have trouble being in a relationship with Snow White. She is statistically the most beautiful girl in the entire land. Mirrors don't lie, and we feel like we'd be worrying about fending off new potential suitors every time we turned around. If you can handle the pressure of dating a girl all the men want to be with and all the ladies want to kill due to their intense and all-consuming jealousy, be our guest (oops, wrong movie). We'll view this relationship as a short-term situation.
Jasmine, Aladdin
Verdict: Marry (As long as there's no pre-Nup)
As Dave Chappelle and company once said, "I'm rich, biatch!!!" We don't care if we have to contend with talking parrots and sorcerers with suspect facial hair: we are in. If you can show Jasmine a whole new world, you'll have enough cash to rule the world. Jasmine has the looks and the stacks to put a Kardashian to shame. And unlike the members of the Kardashian clan, Jasmine actually has some perspective. She is adventurous and wants more out of life, even though she already has it all. While we've all met rich kids who are above getting their hands dirty, Jasmine isn't afraid to slum it with the right street rat. Just remember to be honest about how much cash you have. Jasmine is down to help if you come up short on those magic carpet payments, but she won't like it if you try to front like you have fat Prince Ali stacks when you're really just a scrub.
Pocahontas, Pocahontas
Verdict: Kill
Don't get us wrong, we would love to have Pocahontas teach us to paint with all the colors of the wind, if you know what we mean. Even if her environmentalism and self-sacrifice signal a total martyr complex, she is undeniably a babe. The problem is that Disney's version of this story comes with way too much controversial baggage. The love story presented in the film strays pretty far from historical fact. The real-life version of the story is far less romantic. Pocahontas was only ten years old when she met John Smith. She may not have actually saved his life, and if she did, the Europeans had an odd way of thanking her. Pocahontas was abducted when she was seventeen while on a social visit, taken to England and sold off to a tobacco magnate. Chief Roy Crazy Horse of the Powhatan Nation said, "The film distorts history beyond recognition. Our offers to assist Disney with cultural and historical accuracy were rejected. Our efforts urging [Roy Disney] to reconsider his misguided mission were spurred."
Yeah, we're going to stay away from this one. No one-night stand is worth ending up on the wrong side of history.
Cinderella, Cinderella
Verdict: Freak
We just feel like with Cinderella, things would move a little bit too fast. We all have that friend who got into a relationship way too quickly. Before you knew it, you got wedding invitation in the mail and you heard he opened up a mortgage in the suburbs. Don't make the same mistake just because you feel for the girl's situation. Maybe she is legitimate wifey material, but how do we know that? So, her foot fits in a shoe. Okay, that's a nice coincidence, but that's a pretty poor way to decide your future; a move like that makes followers of astrology look reasonable. Nobody wants to be the guy to send a girl back to poverty and abuse at the hands of her stepsisters, but you have to do you. You had one great night, we get it, but remember, she went home before midnight, hours before the bar closed. Maybe you should slow things down before your fairytale ends in divorce and all you have to show for your relationship is fifty percent of a pumpkin carriage.
Aurora, Sleeping Beauty
Verdict: Kill
Sorry Aurora, but you're going to have to do a little bit more than just wake up to win our hearts. We apologize if we sound a bit crass, but no one wants a woman who just lays there. Say you take the serious relationship route with this slumbering hottie and begin dating once she finally wakes up; what are you going to talk about? You can start by discussing the time that she was asleep, move on to that long nap she took, and then turn the conversation to her endless slumber. Your girl has been asleep since she was sixteen. Do you remember the sort of things you talked about when you were sixteen? No thanks. We've had enough discussions about how Garden State changed our perspective to last us a lifetime. Sorry Aurora, but we need more than just a pretty face. Even friends with benefits situations are better when you have something to talk about. Besides, we prefer it when the guy is the one to fall asleep after sex, even if it is a spinning wheel that is responsible and not our subpar performance.
Mulan, Mulan
Verdict: Marry
A man should seek out an equal partner to spend his life with. A real man wants a woman who is strong and confident. We don't want a subservient wife out of a throwback sitcom: we want a challenging equal. Enter Mulan, warrior princess. When she finds out that her aging father is going to have to ride off to war yet again, she quickly takes his place on the battlefield. She then wins a war basically by herself. If you do marry Mulan, make sure that you are emotionally mature enough to deal with the fact that your wife will be the breadwinner. Old girl has a position as advisor to the Emporer open any time she wants it, and here you are, still waiting to see if Quizno's calls you back. You'll also have to get used to her annoying pet dragon, but it can't be much worse than that ex-girlfriend who had all those cats.
Merida, Brave
Verdict: Kill
We love that Merida has an independent streak previously unrivaled among her fellow Princesses. The problem is that she is super underage, and unlike her peers in princesshood, she looks it. While many previous Disney Princesses were clearly drawn as adults reagardless of their "age," Merida was the first Disney Princess drawn as an accurate teenager. Earlier this year, Disney and Pixar met some resistance once they posted a "glammed up" (a.k.a. adult and sexy) version of Merida in honor of her induction into the Disney Princess pantheon. Almost a quarter million people signed a Change.org petition to keep Merida looking like a realistic teenager. Brave writer and co-director Brenda Chapman herself was unhappy with the redesign. She said, "Because of marketing, little girls gravitate toward princess product, so my goal was to offer up a different kind of princess—a stronger princess that both mothers and daughters could relate to, so mothers wouldn't be pulling their hair out when their little girls were trying to dress or act like a princess. Instead, theyd' be like, 'Yeah, you go girl!" Though we appreciate that Disney opted to maintain the more realistic take on Merida, we just had trouble getting past the idea of a Disney Princess who was actually a teenager for the purposes of this, umm, exercise.
Tiana, The Princess and the Frog
Verdict: Marry
Self-made women are sexy. While other princesses on this list were born with a silver spoon in their mouths (Ariel and Jasmine) or banged their way to the top (Cinderella and Belle), Tiana worked for everything she has. Even when she is offered the easy way to riches, she takes a harder, more high-minded path. Tiana is an undeniable hustler. This blue-collar princess worked as a waitress while putting together a business plan and romancing a frog, so any problems that crop up in your relationship won't shake her. In addition to being a sexy entrepreneur, Tiana is also a great cook, which despite our social progress in terms of gender, still doesn't hurt.
Ariel, Little Mermaid
Verdict: Kill
Normally, we are against the killing of endangered marine life, but in this instance, we have to make an exception. We know that love conquers all, but sometimes that conquering is just too much effort. If we are talking about hooking up with a girl from a different culture or class, we are down to see if love can break societal chains, but this woman is part fish. We aren't going to get into the sexual implications, but suffice to say, we're not feeling it. Look, we know that Ariel's human half is on point, but her bottom half is a little scaly for our liking. We don't want to have to deal with witches and curses just to get our girl to be 100% human. Though many misogynists out there might view her losing her voice as a bonus, we aren't looking forward to learning sign language just because she wanted to be a part of our human world. Visiting the in-laws would also present some major problems.
Belle, Beauty and the Beast
Verdict: Marry
Nobody likes a woman who is going to try to change them, but you have to respect that Belle will ride or die for her man. Though other suitors like the antlerphiliac Gueston can offer social respect, riches, and a lack of furry half-human children, Belle stands by her Beast. Yes, the bookish babe puts up with the Beast's bad manners, anger issues, and lame foreign friends (stop singing already and feed me, you damn candlestick) because she (eventually) cares about the man beneath the fur. Sure, the girl is a little eccentric, but that always translates well in the bedroom. A bonus: ten years ago, you would have had to build her a personal library to keep her happy. Now, all you have to do is get her the Kindle with the most storage space, and she'll be set for life.